October 21, 2012

seven years ago today you died and i imagine they found you in a heap on the kitchen floor but who were they and they told me you had a brain aneurysm but i wondered if they lied to me because i was fifteen just fifteen years old and i lost you i lost you someone you shouldn't lose until you're forty and have a life of your own settled but you're never ready to lose your mother or that gardenia lotion she wears or the constant softness of her skin or the sound of her voice when she calls you maria because that was her name for you and no one else or her laugh that laugh you hear sounding from your own voice box sometimes and you still don't know all of what you share with her what mysteries lie in your own body inside your own head the psychology of someone mentally ambiguous you have inherited a million traits and you miss every single one you shared with her even her bad ones you miss because if you still had to deal with them there would still be a chance to fix her but now there is nothing and she is ashes in an urn under the ground and a memory just a memory and whatever you carry on of her whatever i carry on of her whatever i carry on of you.


eyes open for any sign of you you left me a sign at your birthday the kid's shirt with your tombstone verse on the back i thought i picked the right one because it felt right and i almost cried right there in the store when i saw it the sign i knew it had come from you on your day and today is your day too today and tomorrow and the next day will all be your days because they didn't know what day to pick for your official day of death they thought it was the 21st they found you later they found you on the 23rd so they thought you died two days before that two whole days you were there waiting to be discovered and picked up and taken care of but there was nobody not until two days later and that haunts me mom that haunts me because i am your flesh and i wasn't there and you were gone you passed without notice the world kept turning just like it did after i found out the world kept turning and that was unfair everyone's lives went on and some people were really happy and that was so unfair and i still had everyday thoughts along with the surreal thoughts i had those thoughts that are weightless and the ones about you that weighed me down and wouldn't allow me to move like glaciers that i tried to cry out they were like big cold glaciers inside me that pushed all my organs down and made me 100 pounds heavier and i cried cried cried cried tried to cry it out nothing went away it's just a weight you carry the rest of your life it's just like chains connected from you to me there are chains connecting you and me but it's hard because i'm here and you're there that big "there" that i have no concept of and i don't know where you are but the chains keep me close.